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This year I plan to do nothing. This year has been a year of..
🕑 Added 2022-12-30 05:00:15 +0000 UTC This year I plan to do nothing. This year has been a year of so much nothing. And yet, it has also been so full. I've gone so many places, done so many things, met so many new people, figured out so many professional quagmires. And yet, the thing I did the most of was nothing. I spent so much time with and integrating plant medicines. I spent so much time physically sick. I spent so much time heartbroken over all the lessons that were unfolding. I spent so much time just sitting. Which has been the hardest thing for me to really open up into. It's easy for me to do. It's hard for me to just be and receive. In any form. Patience are a virtue I don't inherently possess, but have been trying to acquire. And nothing gives you patience like being trapped in the middle of the jungle with only a handful of humans who speak your language, the sickest and most heartbroken you've ever been. I spent days laying in bed feeling like life had ripped my heart out of my chest based on circumstance and decided to replace it with lightning in my hands, feet and colon because covid... I spent almost two weeks in full isolation in this state healing from covid before I was able to enter the second phase of my ibogaine integration and begin working with Ayahuasca. After that period, the curandero offered me the idea that while I had been trapped inside, maybe I had been on an inadvertent vision quest before I was supposed to sit with the medicine. If everything is part of the trip as soon as you agree to go on it, then truly nothing can go wrong. And while at times my physical body was doing things indicating that it's life might be over and circumstantially I was in a pretty solid position to just lean into that, I never thought about it. At my sickest, darkest, loneliest - my most intense thoughts never showed up. Not even a whisper. And that's when I knew I would be okay. Because if I didn't think about killing myself after waking up from a fever purge induced bathroom floor blackout in the middle of the jungle, during the apocalypse, in the midst of physically having Covid and going through a breakup, nothing could ever be worse to actually make me really want to do it. And just like that...I came to an answer I never expected to find. Face down on the cold bathroom floor. Pre-wipe.
